Reflecting Pt 1

Cuz I'm sure there will be a couple more posts like this before I leave <.<

This post will most likely end up becoming pretty personal...so for those of who don't know me exceptionally well, I guess this will be helpful as an insight to my past, what makes me tick, and probably some innermost thoughts I wouldn't mention otherwise. Take this as a disclaimer...if you don't want to read a post filled with girly-emotions, then feel free to click away. :P

Anywho, back to the topic...which I haven't even started talking about. I guess to start off with, the reason for this post is pretty much because I've been bored the last few days and had time to reflect on the last two years or so of my past through pictures and blogs I wrote. It served as a reminder of what my life was like towards the end of high school and immediately after (during my semester off) and made me realize how different a person I am now from what I was. I'm not really sure what triggered the change...living conditions, college experiences, newfound friends, or what. All in all though, I'm not sure if who I am now and how I act is completely true to who I potentially could be. Ideally, I'd love to come back from Japan a changed person, someone who has finally found peace with themselves, those around them and the direction they're going in life. Do I know that's going to happen? HELL NO. In a perfect world, I'd like it to, but most likely I'll come back as confused as ever.

But that's not the point of this post...of course. I find it difficult to get straight to the point sometimes when I'm blogging. Anyhow, I have this strange sense that I haven't settled past demons...and if I move on to Japan without settling them, that they will somehow come back to haunt me. I doubt this would make sense to anyone, even those who know about the situation, but pretty much, it regards a boy. A certain boy who pretty much dumped me without us even being together, left me in my time of need, and was, in general, an asshole (to put it nicely). Two years ago, I was too naive, too nice, and too forgiving to even tell him off for all the crap me put me through and just let him pretty much walk all over me without a second thought. I was needy for attention and love and if he gave it to me, that's all I put into consideration. My mindset then still shames me to this day. It shames me that I didn't prevent the situation, end things as they should had, and given him a piece of my mind. But this happened two years ago...there's no turning back. There's no way for me to even bring it up to him now, we haven't talked in a year and a half. Yet, even the fact that it's still in my mind bothers me...since I doubt he ever even thinks of it or reflects on his actions. I guess as the victim (yes, I will say that I was in this situation), it just continues to bother me that I didn't stand up for myself like I would had two years later. And now that I want to stand up for my two years in the past self, there's nothing I can do about it but move on. (Which honestly I've been trying to do for the last two years <.<)

In a bit lesser of matters, I went browsing through my iphoto to get rid of some old pictures, mostly ones taken during random photosets I did that now didn't appeal to me. It's not like my tastes in pictures has changed, but I guess I have higher standards of what to keep and what to toss these days. I don't want to waste my time and space on something that isn't profitable. (that sounds weird. XD) I was also looking back on pictures that I had taken about two years ago and how I REALLY think my looks have changed since then. I think I photograph in a completely different way. And it makes me kind of sad because...I think I photographed well back then :/ Which means now is kinda...mehhh. I think it's cuz I got fat? I have no idea. Or I just matured in two years...either way, it bums me out that my peak of 'good looks' was two years ago...not sure where my looks will go from here ><

Other than that, there are other issues and items to address at a later time, when I have more time to sort out my thoughts and really get a handle of where I am at with them. Fun stuff. :D